Reflections For Caregivers and Volunteers

By M. N. Salie.

(Muslim Spiritual Councilor) St. Luke's Hospice.

If we lose someone close to us, such as a spouse, it is only natural to feel helpless and lost, like we did as infants. When a beloved husband or wife dies, or a child loses a parent, it is a key human figure on whom the mourner had based the emotional content of their life and security who has gone. No matter how strong the faith of the mourner, the ones remaining behind are left unhappy and frightened, feeling they have lost part of themselves. Without strong faith, the despair and sense of chaos may be profound.

Let us imagine a 'letter' a mourner might write to his / her deceased spouse, who has died suddenly. Imagine that this person had been very close to his / her partner, and now cannot face the prospect of continuing life without him / her. They might say:  “Beloved, I'm sitting here crying, the pain is so intense. I am so afraid of cracking up. You have been the main thing in my life all these years, how can I let you go? What is there left for me now? I am going to break into a thousand bits and vanish into the black sea of pain and loneliness”.

This is the desperate cry of someone whose patient faith in Almighty God has taken such a knock that he / she has lost her state of inner serenity. Look again at the words  --- they are certainly heartfelt, and full of agony. Firstly, the person is concentrating on “I” (the one left behind), not on the new experiences of the departed one (who has moved on), and secondly, there is no awareness of God's will or plan here. He / She says-"You (the spouse) have been the main thing in my life'. If loving the spouse because of her love for God had been his / her first concern, then the spouse's death would be seen in perspective, and it would not be so painful for this person to let go.

The mourner grieves: "I am crying, I am in pain, I am cracking up, I can't let you go, nothing is left for me, I am going to lose myself and vanish!" In fact, all thoughts are concentrated on self, and anger and bewilderment with the dead one for leaving. The grief is all for the mourner's own predicament. This may be perfectly normal and natural, but it is quite untouched by Islam. In Islam, the natural sorrow for the passing away of loved ones is transmuted by the faith that they have not ceased to be, but have gone to receive the reward for the toils and efforts of their completed earthly tests.

The Holy Quran gives an example of this. Almighty God (Allah) comforts families by giving the assurance that they are not dead at all. True they have gone from earth, but they are happy and rejoicing in the wonderful experiences of Afterlife. 'Don't think of those who have died in God's way as dead. No, they are alive, finding their sustenance in the Presence of their Lord. They rejoice in the bounty provided by God; and with regard to those left behind, who have not yet joined them, they (should) glory in the fact that on them is no fear, nor have they cause to grieve.' (3:169-170).

From the Islamic perspective a person with faith does not grieve over the death of a good person. They may grieve because they have lost them, they may miss them, and be sorry to be without their company, but at least they should realise that the 'deceased" loved one is not lost, but full of light and joy and in a new zone or dimension of life.

When a person has faith in Almighty God's compassion and the Afterlife to come, it can be of enormous help to the mourner to bear in mind that the 'deceased ' one does not suddenly cease to love or care about them. It is very important to encourage this awareness when dealing with someone who is being overcome and consumed by their grief. In their grief, they should try to open their minds a little, and see things from the point of view of the departed one.

Let us reflect on the following Prayers.

A Prayer From The Holy Quran:  (Chapter 2: 286.) ---

Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error.-  Our Lord! Do not place upon us burdens like you placed on those before us. -  Our Lord! Do not place upon us a burden greater than we have the strength to bear. And pardon us. And forgive us. And have mercy on us. For You are our Protector."

A prayer of Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon Him).

O God (Allah) grant forgiveness to (this our deceased loved one);

Let him / her be resurrected in the company of those who have followed Your path in righteousness;

Let him / her become guides and helpers (examples) to those they have left behind;

Forgive us, and him / her, O Lord of the universe;

Make his / her grave spacious, and grant him light in it. (Hadith  - Muslim 2003.)

May

Many of us who have had personal contact with death find that it changes our awareness of life. Conscious awareness brings with it a new appreciation of life. I have had an experience with a patient who was given a beautifull set of gold rimmed cups and saucers as a wedding gift some forty years ago, and she put it aside saving it for some future "special occasion". Now after forty years of marriage her life has changed dramatically, her husband died about a year ago and she has a terminal illness. I walked in on her when she was unpacking her cupboard, seeing her obvious sadness at discovering this marriage gift which had never been used. The time of her marriage has come and gone and her life is near the end and this gift was still wrapped.

Life before death is important, let us try hard to live every day as it comes, accepting each new dawn as a fresh gift from Almighty God (Allah), full of opportunities and chances to do good and kind things to those we love and care for. Let us not waste time, or find ourselves called back to Almighty God with any of His gifts not "unwrapped".

If we have been hurt or disappointed by someone, let us forgive, love him or her more and try to change the situation. Choosing to forgive is vital for wholeness. It makes all the difference to whether we blossom and flourish, growing healthy and loving or whether we grow into bitter and twisted people. Nothing is more pathetic than the person who runs out of life before he is dead. Forgiveness of others releases us and gives us peace -- and that is a prime factor in any healing. If we have been impatient with someone, let us find the grace to remember that Almighty God (Allah) is pleased with snails and tortoises just as much as with race horses and greyhounds. If we have been short tempered with someone, let us find patience and sympathy, for one of the hardest things bereaved people have to face is their guilt - the many " if only's" the many times they have said things that should not have been said, or not said the things that should have been said, done things that should not have been done, and not done things which should have been done.

Let us reflect on following Quranic verses.

" By the token of time,

Verily man is at a loss,

Except those who have faith,

And do righteous deeds,

And join together,

In the mutual teaching of Truth,

And of Patience and constancy".

Holy Quran Chapter 103 / 1-3.

A Prayer.

Our Lord! Help us to live every day as if it was our last. Help us to accept each new day as a gift, and not to waste it.  Help us always to use our time to love, to bring peace, to help heal, to reconcile, and to work hard for the bringing of Your will on earth. Help us to love and to appreciate those whom you have given to us, and to cherish them while we have time. Help us to accept them, knowing that we might not have chosen ourselves the particular character given to our brother or sister, or parent or child, but that this choice was not ours to make, but Yours. If they distress or disappoint us, help us to love them more, and not cast them aside and then regret it later.

Our Lord! Help us always to remember You, so that we may dedicate our lives to Your full service -- not out of any fear, but out of love for the One Who is most perfect, the Lord of the unseen, the Lord of this life and the life to come.    Amen.

August

Our quest to be of service to others and accompanying the terminally ill on their "journey", sharing their anxieties, Fears, hopes, agonies and frustrations, should bring about a mutually gratifying experience, and we should be enriched by the experience with fewer anxieties about our own finality. It should lead us to self reflection, soul searching, self examination and prayer. Prayer being the outpouring of the heart to the Creator. Many unquestionably good people all over the world are trying to lead a life without a religion and even attempt to express a "Prayer" without acknowledging "Religion", but prayer in our way should remind us of the Creator in whose Will righteousness is a fulfillment, and against Whom wrongdoing is a sin and an ungrateful rebellion.

Woe to those who pray

But are heedless of their prayers

Who put on a show of piety

But refuse to give even the smallest

Help to others.     ---    Holy Quran 107/4 -7.

The apparent aspects of the different acts of worship are, according to Islam meaningless unless they are motivated by sincerity and devotion to GOD Almighty, (Allah ). Worship, sincerely motivated produces effects within the individual's heart, which are reflected in a social behaviour which should elevate man's life on this earth. True belief should therefore not be a spoken word but an overall change of the individual's heart, motivating him to benevolence and goodwill for all his fellow beings that are in need of his care and protection.

Let us reflect on the following, Prayer (DUAH) from the HOLY QURAN-

Our Lord Lay not on us a burden greater than

We have strength to bear.

Blot out our sins and grant us forgiveness and

Have mercy on us.

Chapter 2/286.

September

A great deal of suffering can be caused by guilt—guilt about what was said or not said, done or not done, justified guilt, and guilt with no rational justification. The guilt may be the result of very genuine regrets about insufficient care or concern, or it may be based on fantasy. In fact, guilt is usually a mixture of realistic and unrealistic aspects.

The caregiver may feel guilty because they believe they failed their loved ones on their deathbeds. They intended to pray with them, and stay at their side while they died, but when it came to it could not face it and fled the room; or perhaps they left the room briefly for some perfectly justifiable reason, and it was during those few moments that the loved one died. We dwell on what we might have done differently; and this indicates that we have not yet abandoned the mental hope that the death is irreversible. 'I went away, I went and left you.' 'I was weak, frightened, couldn't bear it—so I left you alone.' 'I did not do my duty.' 'I did not say the right words.'

The caregiver may feel guilty for not having told the dying ones of impending death, and thus depriving them of any preparation for it. They might feel guilty for neglecting them, not loving them enough, and not giving them enough strength until it was too late. Maybe they became impatient or distressed, and wished that the dying ones would die quickly, and 'get it over with' and then—to their horror—they did.

When a loved one dies, we will always be able to find something we wish we had done differently, something to blame ourselves for. We are human beings, not robots, and human beings do fail. If we demand perfection of ourselves and our relationship with the patient we shall probably give far less than if we can relax and accept that if everyone does the best they can, that is sufficient, and no failure is final—with Almighty God.

Almighty God not only forgives our failures, He sees our successes where no-one else does, not even we ourselves. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak, temptations we resisted, patience and gentleness little noticed and long forgotten by those around us. Such good deeds are never wasted nor forgotten, because Almighty God gives them a measure of eternity.

"'Whatever good you send forth for your souls before you, you will find it with God. For God sees all that you do." (Holy Quran 2:110).

'O believers! Fear God, and let every soul look to what (provision) he (or she) has sent forth for the morrow.' (Holy Quran 59:18).

'God suffers not the reward to be lost of any who do good—nor could they spend any  thing, small or great, nor cut across a valley, but their deed is inscribed to their credit, that God may requite their deed with the best possible reward.' (Holy Quran 9:120‑121).

Don't feel guilty! Don't forget, often caregivers are already in a state of shock when the death of their loved one occurs. If you like, you could talk to that departed one as if they were still there, able to hear you. Tell them everything you wished you had said — that you love them and wanted to say goodbye. Weep if you have to, and do not feel ashamed. Then feel the loss, which you were keeping at bay.

A prayer of Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon Him).

O God (Allah) grant forgiveness to (this our deceased loved one);

Let him / her be resurrected in the company of those who have followed Your path in righteousness;

Let him / her become guides and helpers (examples) to those they have left behind;

Forgive us, and him / her, O Lord of the universe;

Make his / her grave spacious, and grant him light in it. Hadith  - Muslim 2003.

October

We are living in an age of incredible scientific technological advancement. An age in which man has achieved what once was thought only angels could dare. Man has conquered land, sea and space to improve his life on earth, but in his quest for happiness through mastery of matter, he has neglected the development of his spirit, and has consequently lost peace of mind. Man's reliance on science and reason has made him skeptical about the existence of Almighty God. (Allah).

Modern man, in spite of all the material comforts and physical pleasures, suffers from a sense of alienation and loneliness in a world that is teeming with people and bustling with activity. Overtaken by this sense of isolation, he feels hopeless and helpless. Many people have inter-personal problems and are unhappy in their relationships. We find conflict at the level of the family, the community, the nation, and the world. Many turn to sensual pleasures, drugs and alcohol. All these means of escape may provide temporary happiness, but they are not cures.

The only way to save ourselves from this pernicious influence is the turning to Almighty God (Allah), because the Holistic remembrance of Almighty God (Allah) can restore peace of mind and result in many benefits

Those who belief arid whose hearts find rest in the remembrance of Almighty God (Allah). For verily in the remembrance of Almighty God (Allah) will hearts f ad rest". Holy Quran 13 / 2&

" When you remember me -- I will remember you --- Be grateful! to me and reject not faith "

Holy Quran. 1/152

"And remember Almighty God (Allah) much, that perchance you may be successful. "

Holy Quran. 62/10.

There are the different types of remembrance of Almighty God. Allah). Remembrance through the daily canonical prayer of the Muslim (Sarah). Remembrance through Supplication. (Dua) Remembrance through hymning the praises of Almighty God (Allah) with sacred text. (Dhikr).   The remembrance of Almighty God (Allah) in Prayer whether individual or congregational is an expression of man 's yearning for a response in the awfull silence of the universe. It is a unique process of discovery whereby the searching ego Affirms itself in the very moment of self negation arid discovers it's own worth and justification as a dynamic factor of the universe". Iqbal.

Let us reflect on the following Prayer (Dua) from the Holy Quran

O ALLAH! THOU ART OUR GUARDIAN. THEREFORE FORGIVE US AND HAVE MERCY ON US, AND THOU ART THE BEST OF FORGIVERS. ORDAIN FOR US GOOD IN THIS WORLD AND IN THE HEREAFTER, FOR WE TURN TO THEE ONLY. "

Holy Quran Chapter 7 /155-156.